a sudden crash out

a sudden crash out.

i just remembered the latest why i hated going back home.

going back home used to be bearable cuz i could just shut myself in my room, and ignore everything. my room used to be my safe space. a space i own. a space where i can be free. a space that i dont have to be on cautious all the time. 

she changed things in my room despite me saying no. she made my room a strange place for me. i hate my room so badly right now.

it used to be spacious, i could lay on the floor, i could selerakkan all my notes on the floor while studying, i love the spacious floor. its so sempit now, she added more and more useless stuff in the room that doesnt benefit me AT ALL. i dont like it. i hate it. i want my spacious floor back. 

there is a corner i used to sit to get better connection of the wifi. yes, i no longer has that corner anymore. 

I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THE ROOM

its no longer my room, its so strange to me, its no longer my safe space. everything is so unfamiliar. i hate it. the only one place i have, the only one place i dont have my defense mechanism on, the only place making going back home bearable, is no longer there. 

i hate going back home. its not a home. its a house. it has never been home since a long time ago.

people be saying home sweet home, its more like home hell home.

its even harder for me, cuz people around me, my family, just doesnt get it. 

they thought it just a merely changes in the room.

no.

its about having respect, changing my room despite me saying no just shows that people dont respect what i feel, my feelings dont matter to them. am i not part of the family? dont i have a say in my own room? but thats my room, no? im staying there, no? why people not staying in the room making changes in the room thats just going to be a pleasure to their eyes only?

and no, im crashing out not just because of the room only. all the feelings came back to me. the room is just adding up to everything ive bottled up since i was a child. i never healed, i just cope with it. and i think this is my limit. i cant go back to the house anymore. i cant see her anymore. im hurting so much. i hope people understand that. i hope those who cant seem to understand what i feel, actually will go through what i had to endured until they realised thats how i felt. im tired defending myself when people dont even understand or trying to understand. 

im so tired.

i want my dad.

i know, this dunya is a test. but isnt this too much for me to bear? im tired of being sad. im tired of crying. im tired of getting my heart broken by my own family, always.

why cant things go my way?

i guess, having a family is not for me. i guess, i am destined to be alone. i honestly love being alone cuz its the only time people cant hurt me. but, why do people have to hurt others, to the point of making me LOVE being alone? ok you know what, i actually hate being alone. i hate the fact that i love being alone cuz its the only time i will not get hurt. why do i have to get hurt?

i want my ayah :( the only person in my life that doesnt make me hate myself so badly like this :(( the only person that tried so hard to pour all of his love and not hurt me, the one that actually listens cuz you know what, i realised that, maybe this is what he went through before. maybe he too, wanted people to understand him, and wanted people to went through what he felt. 

ayah used to be so silent around her, but would be the most talkative person ever around others. i am becoming more like ayah now. i understand now that we have to always be cautious around her. we cant say what we want to say, we have to accept her ways only. we can never defend ourself despite being right, cuz only her logic works despite being wrong. she never truly apologise for her mistake, but would be extremely mad over our very very VERY small mistake. we cant do anything around her. she would judge every single thing in our life. she LOVE to provoke until we explode and blame us for exploding. its so tiring. why cant others felt this too? why only me and ayah has to endured this? 

i remembered i used to stand in front of the class, telling people that i wanna be like my dad in the future. i am him now.

i guess, he was hurting the whole time too.

i have the choice of not going back to the house, he didnt. he had to endured everything. it mustve been so hard for him :((

im so sorry ayah. i wish and pray that Allah gifted you the highest jannah. 

its so sad honestly. people say we will meet the people we lost in this dunya, in jannah later. but, i know that she will be with him. and i dont want to ever meet her. i guess, i will never see ayah again :(