Nov 2020 - 3:10am

 sometimes, i thought about the old time. was it a right thing to give up? what could it be now if i didnt give up? would things became much happier? will i be satisfied with it? i wonder, why? why i was in a rush? why? why was i so desperate? 


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

again, this was written somewhere in Nov 2020. i dont even remember whats the reason i wrote those. but 2020 was hard.

yes, it was the right thing to give up back then. i needed to give up back then to get to here. 

2020 was hard, but im so glad i made it through. it was a tough road.

if i didnt give up back then, i will eventually need to, bcs there were no other way, i would still quit, lambat or cepat, i will still quit. but, if quit lambat, it could messed up with the plan, might not get into the hairdressing thing right on time, didnt get to join diploma right on time 

it was the right decision to quit back then, the path was perfect. it led me to this day. im glad. 

BRO WAIT-

NOW I DONT THINK IM TALKING ABOUT QUITING DEGREE 

DEAD IM SO DEAD

BCS I KNOW NOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT AHAHAHAHAHHAHAH YES I KNOW NOW

yes, it was the right thing to give up, bcs if i didnt, i wouldnt learn. the lesson brought me here.

what would it be if i didnt give up? i dont know. but all i know is that, those moment brought lesson that brought me here to where i am today. 

if i didnt give up, maybe i would be learning diff lesson and my path would be different too, so far this path is perfect.

yes, i gave up on that person. yes, i just met that person last week since 2019. after meeting that person, i realise, i dont have feelings for that person anymore, bcs theres someone else im waiting for. 

yes, i dont have feelings, but theres always be a special place in my heart for that person, bcs he made me sets my standard for someone. not gonna settle for anyone lesser than him anymore!!!!!!

of course, in Nov 2020, i wouldnt understand all these, im sorry Nov 2020 Syafieqa, i know that youre in a really bad and toxic relationship that time, but trust me, the future is better. i got out from that relationship. The Mid 2021 Syafieqa did a really good job. 

this road brought the Aug 2021 Syafieqa to get to know someone really wonderful.

the me now? this May 2022 Syafieqa? i choose to let that wonderful person go.

because i realised, i havent recovered. i need time. i dont feel like having relationship yet.

i have this mountains of love i would like to shower someone with, but im not ready.

the past relationship still take a toll on me and i havent fully recovered.

i still feel unworthy of love, unworthy as a person.

i still feel that i am not enough and never will be.

i still feel theres nothing about me to be loved.

yes, i can shower someone with my love, but theres nothing about me to be loved.

even if im in any relationship, it wont be 50-50. its not fair.

i know that i dont have the look, i dont have the personality, i dont have the brain.

i have nothing. 

no one shall ever waste their love on me. 

so, no matter how much i like someone, no matter how much i cared for someone, no matter how much i love someone,

i will always have to let that person go.

i dont deserve anyone. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

a sudden crash out

a sudden crash out. i just remembered the latest why i hated going back home. going back home used to be bearable cuz i could just shut myself in my room, and ignore everything. my room used to be my safe space. a space i own. a space where i can be free. a space that i dont have to be on cautious all the time.  she changed things in my room despite me saying no. she made my room a strange place for me. i hate my room so badly right now. it used to be spacious, i could lay on the floor, i could selerakkan all my notes on the floor while studying, i love the spacious floor. its so sempit now, she added more and more useless stuff in the room that doesnt benefit me AT ALL. i dont like it. i hate it. i want my spacious floor back.  there is a corner i used to sit to get better connection of the wifi. yes, i no longer has that corner anymore.  I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THE ROOM its no longer my room, its so strange to me, its no longer my safe space. everything is so unfamiliar...
Read more

note to future self (open this in 5 years time)

hi. its currently 7:51pm right now on 27/5/2020. im supposedly should be studying for my quiz tonight but yea im gonna write till 8pm. so, how are you doing? you good? what are you working as? you married? ahahhahahaha lol. im a bit shocked if you are already married bcs just a moment ago you felt like you dont deserve anyone. so, whos the guy? whos the guy who accepted you for who you are? or... do no one accepted you yet? hahhahahhaha predictable lol. so, im currently disappointed a lot bcs im so stupid. i should love my self and stop chasing other people who doesnt value me. i should stop terhegeh-hegeh to people who doesnt feel the same to me. idk man. what are you thinking right now? how did you go through all of these stuff? are you happy now? are you eating well? have you repented a lot? idk what will happened to me, i just hope if you are astray at this moment you are reading this, i hope you get back to the right path again. Allah is the only God and Muhammad SAW is His messen...
Read more