19/11/18 - 1:11pm

so basically i dont even know what im doing here. its exactly 1:11pm when im typing this. i had one class this morningg at 8:30am yet i was late for around thirty minutes well yolo. we learnt about resort. there are beach resort, hill resort, etc. there is also golf resort where they specialized in golf. for those whos mad about golf, they can buy house in the golf resort and stay there. they can basically play golf anytime, just go out from the house and start playing. For now, thats all i rmb about the class. i then met a counselor. she gave me the form tu tick y/n to know my interest but there were less y. idk what to do in life. just like how idk what to do rn. this is why im here typing anything i wanna typrr. im going to post this and keep it so that prob 5  years later im going to see this again and reflect how much has changed. so, that 8:30am class was my last class for my degree lyfe. its monday. tmr will be a public holiday, and im going back w all my stuff on the day after tmr. i had a dream about t*** last night. in the dream, we were so close. i mean not close in the term of relationship, but close in the term of distance. even tho we were close to each other, it was like, i can never touch him. I can only see him from a distance. he was smiling. a big smile. the smile where his teeth were showing. i never saw he smile like that before. can he even smile like that? idk. in reality, he's old. we have a 17 years gap. why does he has to be so old? ugh. idk sia. its like i can like any other person, i can have a lot of biases in kpop, i could love kris wu all i wanted, i could fall over and over again for kwon minsik, but then, t*** has a special place in my life. its like, i have to have him in my life. i can feel the connection. i want him to be part of my life. we dont need to get married, being friend is enough. had to pause. someone was seating nearby. so back to t***. im not sure if i really wanna do hairdressing or it was just bcs of t***. i wonder, should i go low or go high. go low means im just gonna get the hairdressing certificate from any random place and ask for a job at t***'s place or go high, go to A** academy and work with A** which i reallyy

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so those up there, was written on 19th Nov 2018. Here I am writing this on 5th May 2022.

it has been around three and half years past and here i am updating this. 

lemme get back to the prev writing and update what happened now.

the resort stuff, forgotten almost everything, did i use the information in any way possible for the past years? no.

the counselor thingy, yea completely forgotten.

yes, i said 5 years later, but 3 and half years past and i feel lke updating bcs life has changed  ALOT.

when i wrote those back then, i was on the verge of giving up with my degree in Pagoh.

Now? 

I just started my degree in Gombak. 

i find it interesting. i wrote those probably weeks or days before i quit degree and now im writing this about 3 or 4 weeks after i restart my degree, through the long way journey of course :)

ah yes, didnt read the last class thingy, yes, that was the last class, and here i am writing on my mid sem break hehe :)) the day im writing this is on Thursday and i am supposed to do my work but here i am writing this T.T last Monday was Raya, public holiday :)) another persamaan :))

About t***..... life is very interesting indeed.

no, he's not my friend, not even kenalan, we never even met, we never crosses path, never.

he has been a hairdresser since forever, who would have thought he would change profession, right? 

ok wait, lemme stalk him for awhile. 

OH YES I REMEMBER, i finally know his full name -,- his exact birthday -,-

oh yes, who would have thought he would be wearing blazer and such right???? 

the shop is no longer around. theres no reason for me to go around the shop anymore, the space turned into idk what i forgot, was it a restaurant? i think it is. who would ahve thought.

so did i go high or go low? BRO LISTEN! i dont even have the money to go high.

i went to get the level 2 hairdressing certificate at this one place, 6 months, by the end of the study, found a bf, uuggghhhhhh didnt work out, nyesel baget.

ughhhhhh i just wanna forget those moment but it serves a lessons too so yea.

of course i didnt work for t***, i found no passion in hairdressing. My last class was on end June on Friday, and two days after on Sunday, i registered for my Diploma, yes, i didnt waste ny time. Im getting older day by day, not wsting anymore time k.

yes, i have done my Diploma, at first i was doing great with my studies, i feel like im finally doing the right thing. 

Everything was super smooth, i excelled, my journey was eased by Him. 

First sem with 3.89 accompanied with 4.0 for three semesters straight.  

then PKP happened, i could not coped. 

i was super stress on my fifth semester, my result dropped, still deans list but atas pagar.

my stress from the fifth semester was not eased and it affected my sixth semester,

dropped to 3.2 and had to extend my mini fyp bcs i couldnt find the motivation to continue. I am lost for words. I have writer's block. Everything was super hard. There were one time i cried bcs i wanna write something, but no idea, nothing to be written, was so blank. 

Alhamdulillah the supervisor was really reaaaaally kind, submitted late but she still pass me, cukup makan, but im suuuuuuper glad bcs i dont have to repeat.

yes, then i applied for degree. was a bit messed up. i joined the classes on the 5th and 6th week. now mid sem break, i havent even catch up with anything. one assignment due which i should be doing now, but instead im writing all these. 

But, its good to write all these, i can see how far ive gotten to. 

but those really doesnt seemed real.

those moment doesnt feel like, me.

its like, just my imagination. 

Pagoh, hairdressing, excelling in my studies.

are those even real?

i thought my fifth and sixth semester of my diploma, i was at my lowest, but i think i got much more lower after. those time really affected me a lot, and i didnt really recover from it.

i realised that, i just tried to hide it away without really fixing anything.

i still feel the exhaustion, i still feel down. i still have no motivation.

even worse, i feel much more lonely now. 

is this the lowest among the lowest?

idk anymore.

i need support, i need the push, i need motivation, i need the excitement,

i wana be happy, i wanna excel in my studies and in life too

now, i just dont know what else to do with my life.

back then, when i was about to quit, i have plans, i know what i wanna do after.

but now, i am lost. 

i dont have any next plan.

i dont have any other dream.

i dont know what should i do next.

i have no plan. no dream. no path. 
im just surviving without hala tuju now.

im just following the flow.

i pray for the best.

and to whoever who found this blog, bcs it aint easy to find,

you really need to really be paying attention to me to find this, maybe.

thank you.

and please pray for me. 

i always wanted to run, but deep inside, i just wish to be found. 

it has been a lonely road. 

please find me, please look for me.

i always feel like i needed to be found by the right person,

to get away from all this miserable life, to be saved.

ive always been missing someone, someone who i dont even know who.

how is that even possible? 

maybe im just lonely.

i just dont know how to get out from this anymore.

im stuck.